Uncovering pieces of myself: wintering
Or better yet giving a proper name to the state of feeling stuck
A few days ago, I finished the book by Katherine May “Wintering: the power of rest and retreat in difficult times”. It is an exquisite book to read about the power of taking time for yourself, resting, withdrawing from social life, and focusing inwards; to better get to know oneself deeper and understand oneself.
While I was reading it, I was reminded of my long wintering phase that lasted a little over 12 months; it started in December 2015 and ended around January 2017.
In her book, Katherine May uses wintering as a way to sort her emotions about a family emergency, homeschooling her kid, and more; slowly she starts making changes in her life such as winter swimming and feeling the benefits of it in her body and soul.
When thinking about my wintering, I remember long nights at my apartment in Thessaloniki, sitting in the living room, journaling and trying to find answers on who I am, what I want for myself, and where I am going.
That period of my life started quite forced; I was living in the same apartment for a few months with my sister, and feeling like a prisoner inside the house as we could never see eye to eye. When my sister left, I was able to breathe again, even though I still felt awkward being in that apartment.
Unlike Katherine May’s wintering, mine wasn’t set within the winter months only. The winter months were just the beginning of my wintering phase.
December 2015 — Jan & Feb 2016
I remember feeling useless and utterly stuck. I had moved a few months before to Thessaloniki to find a job and I was realizing that to find one, I would need to figure out who I am and what job I want to do. My parents were pushing me to apply to any agronomist opening however, that was a degree I finished but never really liked; at all.
Around that time, I was talking with a good friend of mine who was trying out her career coaching process on me. I remember figuring out my values and trying to put them into action to figure out if these words mean something in my life. One of those values I found out back then, still holds true in my life — Intuition
I didn’t know it then, and I would find out later on that throughout my life, I always listened to my intuition; all the decisions I took and still take daily are intuitive. Three times in my life I didn’t follow my intuition and I paid it dearly. At that moment, Intuition felt like a “is that all?” moment. I wasn’t very impressed with myself 😅
March, April, May, and June 2016
It was a busy period in my life: I was working as a soft-skills trainer, mostly pro bono in NGOs, and having the time of my life traveling around. Wintering was still happening; I could feel myself disconnected from people and aching for some solitude but I had tasks to perform, sessions to deliver, and events to attend. However, among those busy times, I always found time to unwind, to sit and reflect, to disconnect. It felt chaotic and messy, but the process was ongoing and kept moving forward.
July — August 2016
Two of the busiest, most chaotic, and most messy months I had experienced. My wintering process got messed up by my need for control as I was coordinating a summer school in Romania. I remember trying to lead team buildings with the team of trainers and realizing that something is off within me. And because I wasn’t understanding what was off, I was pushing more and further, not realizing that this wasn’t the way to go.
September, October, and November 2016
The messiness continued with almost destroying a great friendship I had, and I realized that I needed time and space to figure out what the hell is happening. And so I did! I took time off from all events I was running in that quarter, I kept only one in November in Naples, thinking that I will be wandering in the streets of a new city and forget about my messy, chaotic life.
That was the intention. 😅It didn’t happen as I would have liked it. It got messier, more chaotic, and crazy! Luckily, I had people I could count on to support me and keep me steady.
December 2016 — January 2017
It was in December of 2016, when I joined a Quest, happening in December through prompts on a Facebook group led by Jeffrey Davis that I got to realize that “Hey Lyda, you are going through a wintering phase!”
And it was due to this article by Alicia K. Anderson called “The Winter of Ego Death” that I was able to name the “I feel stuck” emotions and realize that this has been a wintering.
Moving forward
Due to this long wintering phase, I was able to determine that:
🟣 9–5 jobs aren’t for me, and I started my freelancing business in January 2017;
🟣traveling is like breathing for me, and kept traveling the globe;
🟣non-formal education and soft-skills training made my heart skip a beat every time, got me into the flow, and made me feel fulfilled;
🟣life is very short and we need to live it exactly as we want it to.
What has your wintering taught you?
