Uncovering pieces of myself: the person instead of the girl
Trying to get rid of a costume that doesn’t fit me anymore
I did it again. Walking towards my bathroom on Friday afternoon, I referred to myself as a woman, and it felt so cringy and off. Similar to how it felt during Christmas when my parents every time they gave me advice, were starting their sentences with “Lyda, you are a 35-year-old woman” and I remember whispering to myself with conviction “I am not a woman”.
The early years
When I was born, I got assigned female at birth — a girl! Yay! A white girl with blond hair and green-blue eyes; the dream of every white parent as I would learn later skimming magazines with blond-haired blue-eyed kids on the covers.
I never felt myself when old ladies on the street were telling my mother “aww, what a beautiful girl you have!”. And over the years, commenting to my parents “what a nice young lady, you should be proud of her”. Where is that girl, where is that lady, where do you see them?
When people were asking young me “what would you like to be?” — they always meant work not gender and always expected gender-specific jobs fit for girls eg secretaries, nurses, hairstylists, cleaners, saleswomen, princesses; never doctors, coaches, trainers, astronauts, musicians, lawyers, governors… I only wanted to be a person.
Adolescence
Adolescence was a waiting game. Waiting to become 18 and have absolute control over my body, myself, the way I will dress, cut my hair, and anything else. Little did I know that absolute control you get when you earn your own money and you can do whatever you please. At 18, I felt free but was I free? Apparently not.
Looking back, there are moments in my life when I and the gender assigned to me didn’t fit at all, and people around me, close ones, and friends thought it will pass.
🐧 I remember always wanting to cut my hair cause it was long and curly, and took hours every day to put it in place. But my grandmother who loved me as I was, with long, curly blond hair, always opposed every cut, even the small ones…
🐧 Dressing up during the carnival days
There isn’t any other holiday I hated more than the carnival. Especially, the societal norm that dictates that I had to dress up in something glamorous, sexy, and girly that fits my assigned gender. This for example.
After a while, I stopped dressing up for carnival and when I became 18, I made sure I was outside Greece during those days, traveling. The one time I decided to stay, was because I found the costume I always desired and got dressed as a penguin! Best costume ever and it was a full cover! I loved it! I remember going with friends from party to party and dancing until the next morning! It was the first time in the 22 years of my life, I was fully myself. The penguin costume was hiding my female persona and liberating me from who I was supposed to be. And yes, penguins are my favorite animals on this planet!
Growing up
There are only 2 photos from my previous life that I love and I see the person who I used to be in those two photos. But emotionally, I feel disconnected from the girl in those photos. She feels like a stranger.
The photo above is from my adolescence, I think, a family vacation in Zagorochoria, Greece. And the one below, is from my first vacation alone with friends, when I became 18.
After 2021
People who knew me never stopped seeing me as the girl or the young lady they knew. It doesn’t matter that I don’t have long, blond hair anymore or dress up differently, they still assume I am a woman…(sigh)
It seems that people don’t care, they don’t want to learn, or rather unlearn what society taught them, and we arrive at where this article started. With me confusing who I am, slipping and calling myself a woman…
How do you get rid of a costume you don’t want to wear anymore but apparently, you need it cause this world is hateful?
What would you do? Will you keep this costume and use it or throw it away?
I want people to see me and not assume that I am a woman but to ask. “Hey! How do I talk about you? What are your pronouns? What words do you prefer aligned with you?”
I am a person, a human being, with no gender assigned anymore. How difficult is this to comprehend?
