Uncovering pieces of myself: going through PTSD
Or better yet, darkness begins…
How does darkness begin, you might wonder?
Well, “darkness begins” is the period I am in at this moment. It’s March 2023 and it’s been 4 months since the event that changed my life and not for the better; where I was attacked by transphobic slurs, whispers, and eye-rolls; where one of the participants of the event pointed at me while disrespecting me and letting me know that “I don’t care about you, your pronouns or your existence”.
When looking back to that incident, I remember that I froze and then tried to seem non-threatening and appease him. I didn’t think I had the option to throw him out. I knew I didn’t have the support of the rest of the team, only 2 out of the 7 trainers were allies. The rest had “a job to do”. And so was I. This might explain why I stayed; why I didn’t pack my stuff and left, and why I endured this humiliation.
It was Christmas morning 2022, when I woke up feeling dread, restlessness, and very tired. I remembered seeing something utterly weird in a dream. As I was trying to make sense of it, my mind started connecting dots; I have seen enough action series & movies with vets and special ops to know that what I just experienced had a name: Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder or in short PTSD.
Isn’t that fun? 2022 as a year wasn’t eventful enough; it just gave me a gift to carry on to 2023…!
Since then, I have removed as many triggers as I could from my life, tried to slow down, rest more, do things that I love, read, walk, be in nature or by the sea, see friends who are non-judgemental and ultimately, spend time with myself more.
But, any time I mention what happened and that I am moving through PTSD, I receive a mixture of responses:
📀There are the ones who feel sorry for me and tend to repeat that they are “sorry” a lot. And I want to scream at them to effing stop! Cause wtf? You say it once and it’s done!
What do you get out of repeating it?
📀There are the ones who just stare, not knowing what to say or maybe not realizing what PTSD is. I like those the most. Ignorance is bliss after all 😛
📀And then there are the ones, who seem to be jealous that they aren’t in my shoes. 😱
So let me tell you a few things!
PTSD sucks! And if you are, among the jealous ones, thinking “ooh, how cool! I would like to have that to get out of things” — don’t!
I am going through it and it sucks!
Every night, it’s the same thing: I tire myself out as much as I can, get into bed, close my eyes, and hope that tonight it will be better than yesterday… but it’s not.
I am plagued with vivid dreams that suck me in, my unconscious mind puts on a party every night and I experience a multitude of universes, all together. It’s like watching Rihanna at the Super Bowl, while lost at sea, together with memories of things I experienced each day, people I met, haven’t seen in years, or just saw yesterday. All of that mixed into one to create stories and adventures that leave me tired, stressed and shocked to my core.
My fears melt into one gigantic dream
I see myself falling, flying, disappearing into darkness, going down steep stairs, being chased, humiliated, hunted, haunted and if I am unlucky enough, I relive the incident that started all this.
Does this sound like something you want to go through?
Every time I open my eyes, I feel unwilling to wake up and leave my bed. It takes me more time than before to stand up, and start my morning routine. Now, I need to convince myself to do it.
Ironically enough, between Sept and early Nov 2022, I was lucky enough to experience one of the best periods of my life. I was waking up feeling alive, full of energy, ready to start the day anew and do amazing things. This all feels like a distant memory now. (sigh)
I am not able to focus anymore… Before I had just ADHD and focusing was a struggle. Couple that with another 4-letter acronym and you have a blast…
Every morning I look at myself in the mirror, after the immense effort it took to wake up, get out of bed, and open the windows for the sun to get in, realizing that I don’t know the person I see.
Who am I?
What happened to that smiley person I used to be in early Nov?
The one who was working out, losing fat, feeling alive and energized, was creative, had ideas, and was excited to finalize the branding of the business.
The person who believed 2023 is gonna be their year!
And then, everything changed… an event altered the course of my life… forever? I hope not!
