Uncovering Pieces of Myself: Gender identity, Sexuality
Everything started with a prompt.
Late at night I sometimes think about my journey of uncovering pieces of myself. Who I was when I started, and who I became these last few years. How my identity changed, how it became truly mine, and what it means moving forward.
I remember at the very beginning of adulthood; when I became 18, I wasn’t sure who I was back then. I knew I was uncertain, I knew it wasn’t yet time to figure it out. I just wanted to live, explore the world and enjoy life as a new adult away from my parents, outside in the big world.
It was around 2014, January, during one of my first battles with depression that I realized the time has come. I felt ready and strong enough to start digging, uncovering who I am, peeling layer by layer the opinions, judgments, comments, remarks, and ideas of others about myself.
Around June of that same year, I joined an event in Berlin called “Into the Journey: discovering your inner self” or something similar. There was something in the name of that event that called out to me. During those 3 days of facilitated activities, meditation, journaling, and hosting ourselves, I discovered that the part of myself I used to refer to as “darkness” or the “darkness in me” was in reality another side of me.
Linda & Lyda
Two sides of the same person; Linda tends to be more open, less suspicious, flirty, sexy, adventurous, and playful while Lyda tends to be more closed, an extroverted introvert, playful as well, an explorer, and more suspicious towards others. Both are still romantics at heart!
These two spirits coexist in the same soul, body, and mind. “Two-spirited” is a name used by Native Americans to define gender. I felt two-spirited.
At that moment in time, I didn’t know what it meant for me to accept two spirits within me. However, I knew that it felt right. And just like that, one small piece of who I was got uncovered.
A few years passed, and at the beginning of 2020, before the pandemic changed our lives forever, 1 more discovery came about to me. This time about my sexuality; for me, it was never a distinct point. It was always a range. The label I chose to define my sexuality was bi (bisexual) cause it fit me. Today, right here, right now, I am not that sure anymore!
The next, and more recent discovery was about my gender identity. For years, I had issues with how womxn were portrayed worldwide by the media, society, men, and even each other. In Greece, it was about the roles assigned to womxn never really made sense to me; be a slut but be serious, take care of your family but look beautiful, obey your partner but be strong and independent, be a kitty to men but be decisive as well. All these roles/labels/traits that women were assigned by birth from society, family, church, men, and friends made all this feel like a rigged game where no one wins.
It was last summer when I was introduced to what it means to be non-binary by a close friend; to not identify with any of the genders within the binary system. I felt like a burden was lifted off my shoulders. I could finally define myself and feel that this self-chosen label, comes with roles I choose and no one else does!
Being Non-Binary
Non-binary sex educator and therapist Aida Manduley, MSW defines a non-binary person as “someone who does not identify as a man or a woman, or solely as one of those two genders.” Most of the time it’s used as “an umbrella term for other identities that fall outside the male/female binary and may be more specific,” they add.
The non-binary definition is very broad because being non-binary can mean different things to different people. To me, it means that I disagree and reject the concept of gender and the roles that are associated with it. In the last 2 decades, I never felt people were wrong when calling me a woman however it felt like they were labeling me and assigning me roles I didn’t ask for and didn’t want. It was in the last 2 years that I learned about non-binary identity and it suddenly fit.
In the last 7 months since I started identifying as non-binary, I openly talked about what non-binary means for me, invited my closest friends to explore non-binary identity and ask questions, and even wrote a research paper on the topic of Coaching Non-binary people within the societies we live in for my coaching portfolio in ICA.
Having done this exploration, however small it is, it’s a spark to keep on going; uncovering more of myself, both on paper and in life.
I believe the last (for now) exploration/piece to be uncovered during my gender identity and sexuality journey happened while I was writing this post. When I was writing about my sexuality and wrote the word “bi”, I felt weird. How can I identify as non-binary and still be attracted only by the binary? It felt strange to see the words written in front of me. A few days ago, I read an article with another notion of “pansexual” — people who like / love/fall in love with all people regardless of their gender and sexuality. And this label, cause it’s a label, felt right, felt more me, included everyone.
At this point in my life, after going through at least 8 years of self-discovery, unearthing myself under tons of opinions, judgments, and, the like, I can finally say that I have uncovered a few parts of me.
I am a non-binary, pansexual person expressing myself as a woman. My soul, body, and, mind hold two spirits, Lyda & Linda.
I accept and love all of me!
