Uncovering Pieces of Myself: Feeling Seen
A post that drifted away…
Today, I don’t seem to be able to focus and write. I feel pissed or rather annoyed; annoyed at how people keep on going back on their promises, what they said they are gonna do or not do.
A few weeks ago, I had a heart-to-heart conversation with a person who I consider a friend. We talked about how I don’t feel seen in the organization we are both members and also by him.
But, what does it mean to feel seen?
The first time I encountered the phrase “feel seen” or “I see you” was in the summer of 2014 during a 10-day event. One of the facilitators of the event invited the rest of us, trainers, to do an exercise where we looked at each other’s eyes, deep inside for a few moments and when we truly saw the other person, we were invited to only say “I see you”.
I don’t remember many distinct things from that exercise. I do remember how I felt. For the first time in my life, I felt seen by 15 other people. With some, we didn’t even need to utter the words. Our eyes talked, our hearts connected, we felt seen.
Since that summer, I kept going to the same event as a trainer, sometimes hoping to relieve the experience and others as a reminder of the magic I felt in that first year.
Feeling unseen
The years passed and that magic kept blossoming in my heart. In a world where most days I feel unseen or seen for who people think I am, finding people who saw the real me always made a difference.
Feeling unseen can be described quite vividly as follows:
Imagine a white, pristine wall. People take a small stone and every time they see the white, pristine wall throw it at it. After a while, this white, pristine wall, will have a gaping hole from all the stones thrown at it, a hole that it won’t be easy to be closed.
Well, this wall is me. And the stones thrown at the wall are my interactions with people in my everyday life. Every time a person mispronounces me or makes sexist or homophobic jokes or forgets that I am in the room, it feels like one more stone is thrown at me. Each stone leaves a mark, many stones open a huge wound that isn’t easy to be healed.
Fellow human beings,
you might wonder or ask how I operate, work, be, live, laugh, and exist when that hole is still open and the wounds are still visible. I guess I just do.
See, when you are part of the majority e.g. white male cis-gender/white female cis-gender life can be fairly easier I guess. In the minority that I seem to belong as a white non-binary person, life gets trickier depending on who I am talking to. And yes, I still hold a lot of privilege as a white person. And yes, I still navigate complex situations as I am not part of the majority of the society I live in.
This is the reality I live in. A reality where when someone like me, after years of exploration, and self-discovery finally arrives at a destination and says “hey, look! I found who I am! This is me, in all my beauty.” others recognize this with just a “ooh, ok, you just came out. Good for you.”
Coming out
The notion of coming out has been aligned/connected with anything the society doesn’t accept/doesn’t conform to its standards. It pisses me off!
No, I didn’t come out! It’s still me!
I am still myself — all I did was change the labels I associate with myself.
But still, people consider it a coming out and I am still invisible instead of feeling seen/accepted/acknowledged for who I always was, myself!
The magic of feeling seen
You don’t need to perform miracles to change someone’s life. Sometimes only 3 words are enough to do just that; allow someone to feel seen.
“I see you.”
