Uncovering pieces of myself: being an ally
Where are my people?
Last Thursday, I decided to write an article in the form of an invitation to a community I like being a part of. My invitation to its members was to use a more inclusive language other than “hello girls/ladies”.
Most of the comments were welcoming, thanking me for the reminder. Until one of the members made a comment where she tried to not offend me and ultimately offended me more than she thought asking me to “help her understand why we shouldn’t use gender-specific pronouns in a gender-specific group. And that when she originally joined that was a group for women.”
When I saw the comment, I felt pissed and frustrated. I immediately screenshot and shared it with my close friends on IG, curious to see what their response will be. Almost all but one suggested I answer her and educate her.
Only one replied and told me that it was not on me to educate her. After all, would you ever ask a person of color to educate a white person on anti-racism? No! Then why, should a non-binary person educate a group of women on matters of gender inclusion and the binary?
I felt hopeful thinking that if out of the 49 close friends I have on IG, 1 was able to discern the answer I was looking for, then surely out of the 150 members of that community there would be at least 10 members who would reply and open a conversation and be my allies. If only that was true…
The most distinctive thing I remember from the first couple of days after that comment appeared on my post is the silence. In the beginning, I thought “no worries Lyda, it’s just the weekend. People will see it on Monday and possibly answer/comment.”
Monday morning came and all that happened was a response to the community and a reply to that member from the host where she tried to be neutral but ended up talking about “not everyone might be as aware of these topics, so I want to make sure people feel safe to ask questions about this and don’t get “policed” for their language.”
And all I could think while I was reading those comments is where are my people?
By Monday evening, 1 person, a dear friend to me and an ally had spoken up inviting others to join. And when you think the situation can’t get worse, it does... Because now the member who first did the “I am not trying to offend you” comment came back to reply reiterating that “for her, this is a women group and more bla bla” while misnaming me or talking about a completely different person, someone called Lydia. That’s not me!
It was right then and there that I realized that that member was me, back in 2017, when I still thought the world owes me something for all the oppression I had endured up to this point living in the patriarchal, sexist, misogynistic world; when words like inclusion and intersectionality were notions in a science-fiction movie; they didn’t exist. I see the same mindset in her. I of 2022 can fault her; I of 2017 wouldn’t.
The gender binary is strong among us, the patriarchy is here to stay even though we scream, kick and fight for it to leave and disappear.
The world is cruel and hateful, and misanthropic and I have enough of all that, every day I leave my house dressed with my “female within the binary” persona. Every time I interact with a new person who doesn’t know the real me and every time one of my friends forgets/slips up/doesn’t care what my pronouns are and uses the old ones, one small piece of me silently gives up and dies. When will it be enough? I guess when there is none of me left (sigh)…
As I am writing these words, my mind runs back to the first time I read the book “Me & White Supremacy” by Layla F. Saad. In her book, Layla talks about allyship, what it means to be an ally and how you can be an ally to people of color.
So, if you are wondering how can you be an ally to people who don’t identify within the binary and want to stay in a community that might become gender neutral one day but isn’t right now?
- My first thought — don’t be silent!
- Show that person that you are trying to be an ally by speaking up.
- Keep an open mindset, and be curious to ask and learn!
Non-binary people matter.
Time to give a fuck about them too!
