The Exhaustion of Having to Share Who I Am
again and again and again…
Today I was reading “Learning How to Use They/Them with my Non-binary Teen” by E. Katherine Kottaras. In her article, E. Katherine Kottaras talks about having to come out again and again and again as bi+ and the exhaustion that comes from this.
And it hit me. This has been happening to me again and again and again since I’ve changed my pronouns and started identifying as non-binary.
Every time I join a new gathering online or offline, I am called to endure misgendering and mis-referring, and even mispronouncing my name! What comes next is the decision I am called to take.
Do I want to say who I am, identify as, why, what does it mean to be non-binary in case someone asks, and of course have an answer to people who don’t know how to refer to me in Greek? Because Greek is a fully binary language.
I can be referred to as a thing. I can never be referred to as a person in Greek.
So while I am writing these words, my mind drifts back to a recent incident that took place during a supposedly “inclusive” online workshop where I was a participant. To be honest, more than one incidents… The facilitator kept referring to the group as “guys” even though the majority of the participants didn’t seem to be male. Talk about inclusion… 🤨
And the incident that resulted in the creation of this article is the following.
I had a deeply vulnerable sharing moment with a fellow participant who identifies as a woman with the pronouns (she/her). The next day, that participant shared about her experience and wanted to thank me for holding space, for being present, and for listening.
It didn’t matter that my zoom profile had the pronouns they/them next to my name, she went ahead and referred to me using the pronouns she/her, not considering that expressing myself as a woman doesn’t necessarily mean that I identify as one.
For one more time, I was left with the never-ending dilemma: do I interrupt such a beautiful moment and say who I am or not?
If you are wondering, I didn’t. I didn’t feel comfortable or even safe to do it. I didn’t want to be stared at, silently judged, or asked to educate them on what it means to be non-binary.
I just wanted to be asked, to be given the opportunity to decide how to be referred to before that person spoke.
Fellow human being and reader of this article,
it gets exhausting to have to be observant, vigilant even and to check other people’s posts when they are referring to me and how they do it.
It gets exhausting to have to go through with this:
🔵 Someone refers to me in the third person mispronouncing me;
🔵 I then spot the post/comment/text etc and ask the so cliché question “who is she?”;
🔵 Not everyone gets it on the spot; sometimes, people just reply “you”;
🔵 And for the nth time I again explain “hey you, I go with the pronouns they/them, I identify as non-binary, please respect and edit your post.”
Most people do edit their posts/texts/comments right there. Unfortunately, there also exist these people who decide for whatever reason to debate my gender identity; thinking that as I don’t fall within the gender binary, I am less of a person, therefore they can dictate my life or put me in a position to defend who I am!
It’s effing exhausting!
So, before I leave you, dear reader I only have one request!
The next time you decide to assume what my, and other people’s pronouns are, don’t!
Just ask! Is this so difficult?
