My closest friends and I
Will we stay best friends forever?
As far as I remember, I always had trouble keeping friends. My mother used to say that I should be myself with other people for them to connect with me. When trying to follow her advice, I realized I couldn’t if I didn’t know who I was.
And so, for the first 30-something years of my life, I was meeting people, connecting with them, building rapport, hanging out, and having fun. I have had a lot of people pass through my life; some were friends who stayed for a short period, others for a longer one and some sold me on the “Hollywood lie” friends for life or best friends 4EVER…
For years, I thought there was something wrong with me not being able to forge lasting friendships. In most of the friendships I had, I was usually the one who gave the most e.g. time, energy, care, and support, and expected to receive the same. But it never happened.
The first shock came a few years ago when during a conversation with a person I’ve known for 10 years, I called them “my person, partner-in-crime, person who helps me hide a body” and I saw the surprise on their face. I don’t know if you’ve been there, but at that moment I realized I was the one who was misaligned. It was a gut punch. Thinking that this person is a close and good friend and realizing that “Sorry, Lyda, you gambled and you lost!”
The second shock came later on, when one of the people I called my friends, told me, “We need to take space, Lyda, and reconnect in a few months.” Mind you, both of us were going through things. I was in therapy for my PTSD and trying to heal after a transphobic, verbal attack and they were going through a family situation. Both of us, when we met each other, after the last time, were expecting to meet the person we knew, not realizing that we weren’t in the same place anymore.
Then, a few misunderstandings were added to the mix, text messages that didn’t convey emotions and nuisance and you got an explosive mix where one of the two asked for space, and the other agreed.
And that’s it. Right? Not really.
Imagine you have a close friend with whom you never expected to connect but you did. You realized they are a great human being that sees you and understands you, supports you, and is there for you. You do the same for them. You see each other at events, and training programs, work together on projects and after a while, you finish each other’s sentences and communicate really well. You talk a lot via messages, sometimes daily.
Then, shit happens, you get verbally attacked by a participant, your friend is there for you and support you as much as possible. Shit happens to them, you are there for them as much as you can and support them as well. And then, you decide to meet this time at their hometown, away from events and work projects, and just enjoy going out and having fun.
You meet and something is definitely off. You were expecting to meet the friend you knew, but that friend isn’t there anymore. They expect the same of you. You go through all the “usual topics” of discussion and then, silence. Nothing comes to mind that you could discuss with them. They want to make your stay as comfortable as possible and pay for everything (food, drinks, social outings, etc.) and you feel awkward and think, “Am I expected to give something back?” Instead of saying something face to face to your friend, you withdraw and overthink. And this ends up in taking space apart for an indefinite time.
And then, the person with whom you conversed weekly and sometimes daily just isn’t there anymore. You agreed on giving them space, so you cannot text, email, call anymore. You need to find a way to move forward without them. So, you go to therapy, you share your emotions, tears, and thoughts and slowly find a way to move forward.
You might realize that the friendship was more of a co-dependent kind and not as healthy as you thought. With time, you connect with other people, realize how healthy friendships are supposed to be, experience them, and enjoy having friends who see the full you, with your struggles and joyful moments. Your life is full and you are enjoying living it despite daily or mental health challenges. You don’t miss that past friend anymore, and you don’t see space for them in your life either.
And when you meet that person at an event, your past friend who wanted space, you don’t overthink it anymore. You just listen to your body and greet them as a new person you never met before. They are a stranger, after all. You share with them superficial things and you know that whatever happens, you don’t want to go back to what you had, that co-dependent shit. But you aren’t sure if you want to build a healthy friendship with them.
So what do you do?
How do you proceed?
I have the desire to be really honest with them and let them know I don’t see a point in trying to build a healthier friendship. I stopped caring about them when the “Take space and will reconnect in the future” happened.
There is a very small part of me that wonders, “What would happen if we reconnect.” The rest of me, close to 97%, doesn’t. I am happy with the friends I have, most of them nomads and a few who live in my city.
I am learning to listen to myself, body, soul, and heart more and to trust that everything happens for a reason.
And this friendship had to end for two reasons. For me to figure out that that wasn’t a healthy friendship and to make room for other healthier friendships to take space.
And for that I am grateful. 🙂
