Me, myself and all my triggers!
Triggers, triggers everywhere…
People have this impression that when someone who has gone through PTSD gets triggered, all hell breaks loose. And that somehow, if it’s not visible, then it hasn’t happened… (sigh)
I don’t know what’s worse; that we still talk about mental health issues like they are invisible or that I and others who get triggered and need support need to convince someone that “hey, this triggers me. Stop it or limit it or go away.”
In these few months after finishing with therapy for the PTSD I was gifted by society, I have had the luck to be triggered twice.
The first time, the birds were singing and the sun was shining. I had just returned from swimming at the sea, had opened my laptop and was getting ready to open a few emails. While my laptop was opening and settling in, I was perusing Instagram. And then my eye fell on a little notification on the upper right corner; 1 unread message. I opened it and saw that it’s from a good friend.
Their message read “As inclusivity is so important to you, one situation yesterday would have given you enough reason to leave again.“ For context, both of us are members of an organization and its annual gathering was taking place in Northern Europe. My friend was a participant whereas I was at home enjoying summer.
I asked what they meant and they explained that the previous night, a few of the attendees who arrived earlier went out for a drink and one of them during a conversation started a sentence with “being homosexual is like being into feet fetish or being a pedophile” with this person’s point being that it’s wired on the brain and cannot be changed.
I was utterly shocked and so was my friend as they were writing this.
That day passed and when the next morning came on, I felt tired physically, mentally and emotionally. Suddenly, I didn’t have the strength to leave my house, or even my bed. All my body wanted was to lie on the bed and stare at the ceiling. The symptoms I knew and had already gone through returned: a feeling of dread, restlessness, semi-vivid dreams and a need for isolation.
Even though I couldn’t yet understand what was happening, I decided to listen to my body and spent my time indoors and on my bed as much as possible. I listened to the music, cooked a bit and ordered food delivery, read books, and watched again feel-good movies, mostly Hallmark.
And just like that, by taking time off and listening to my body, the PTSD symptoms subsided once again and I was able to rejoin the world and live my life.
My therapist at the time acknowledged the fact that I didn’t force myself to do things, leave the house, go out, but actually listened to my body and healed faster than what it would have been if I didn’t.
After this, I thought to myself that “hey Lyda, it seems the triggers have to do with inclusion.”
I would soon find out that that was definitely wrong. The things that trigger me don’t necessarily have to do only with inclusion.
The second time, it was another lovely day. I had woken up early, taking time to enjoy my breakfast, taking my car and driving to my therapist. On that day, I remember telling her how content I am with my life and how it is unfolding, that I feel motivated to work on different things for my clients and that I am cautiously optimistic.
That day there was a meeting happening on the board of an association I belonged to. I joined at the end, and caught them at a disagreeing moment where each one of them was interrupting the other to speak. I remember leaving that meeting feeling dizzy and in need of sleep with a migraine looming in the corner.
That same night I was talking with a good friend, when I received an email from the chairman of the board issuing orders to me. That person told me to “NOT do anything before we talk”.
I felt shame; like I had done something grave when in actuality, I hadn’t. I responded by letting that person know that this isn’t a way to speak to colleagues and that I never gave them permission to speak to me like that.
From that moment onward, I started feeling tired again, unable to focus and work, needing to stay in front of the laptop and binge-watch movies and series just to forget about my life. The two days that followed, I pushed myself to work and do the things I had on my calendar without realizing that PTSD had flared up again and that I was in a triggered state.
On the third day, while listening to my alarm clock sound for a 4th time asking me to wake up, my brain connected the dots and realized that “Lyda, you got triggered again and you need to listen to your body instead of trying to do whatever you think you should”.
After that realization, I knew what I had to do. I put my phone on airplane mode, took my car and went to the beach to soak up as much sun as possible, read a book and drink a coffee. It was exactly what I needed. The rest of the weekend passed by watching feel-good movies and enjoying staying in.
And then I start to feel
The walls as they crumble and fall
And the darkness that I know
Has a spark and a glow
Now I’m reaching out with arms
That are learning to grow
And I’m finally letting go
“Letting go” by Dotan
The moment of “finally letting go” took time to arrive and I am glad it came.
And most importantly, now I know what my triggers are: moments that my being, heart, mind and soul are threatened; be it physically, emotionally, mentally, verbally, written or anything else.
Possessing this new knowledge about my triggers can help me the next time, because there will be a next time, to figure them out faster and take the necessary steps to heal again.
It’s been a year and a few months since I started therapy for the PTSD society gifted me, and now I know what I was only realizing back then. I am stronger for going through it and making it to the other side.
I did the work, dug deep and allowed all of my parts to heal and reconnect with one another.
I feel hopeful for my future and what’s to come!
